"A Whole
Author’s Note: I wrote this presentation
with my mother at the age of eleven, in the summer of 2000. My beliefs on
autism and my outlook on life were much different back then. I also was
suffering from a chronic digestive illness that lasted until April 2001.
I wrote this presentation despite being
severely ill in 2000, and presented it at the 2000 MAAP Conference, which was held in
On this page, you will see this
presentation as it was originally written. While I still believe that the
negative feelings toward neurotypical people
mentioned in this speech are still felt by many autistic individuals today, as
I have grown older, I have seen that there are many people who are not autistic
who are trying their best to help themselves understand what people with autism
are going through. I have also learned that autism is a highly variable
condition. It is likely that some autistic individuals have never gone through
the issues mentioned in this speech. The issues mentioned here are the issues I
dealt with as a young child.
At the same time, although the people in
these skits are based on people in my family, these skits are still stories of
fiction used to make general points of autism, and should not be used to judge
people in my family. Likewise, as I have grown older, the relationships between
me and my family members have changed, thus, these
stories from the past should not be used to judge the relationships I have with
my family today.
I gave this presentation again upon
request in the spring of 2006, at the Autism Society of
Introduction
Throughout my life, I've always tried to
do the right thing. Many parents think of their autistic kids as having
behavior problems. You think, "Why does he always have to do the wrong
thing? Why can't he just behave?" Well, the truth is, your child is trying
to behave. He is trying to do the right thing, but he usually does what he
thinks is right based on his understanding of what he thinks you've said.
Unfortunately what he thinks you said and what you really said are often very
different.
To illustrate the problem of your world
vs. his world, we will present six different topics. Each topic will be
introduced with an overview, then Mom and I will act
out examples of our points, taken from real events. We have selected six
volunteers from the audience to play the part of my dad, my sister, and
miscellaneous other people. Would you please stand and introduce yourselves by
name and number?
By the way, we're going to use several
abbreviations that come from our book, "The Self-Help Guide For Special Kids and their Parents." The abbreviation
"NP"
stands for normal person, or anyone who doesn't understand autistic people. The
term "SP"
stands for special person, and is anyone who suffers from a neurological
disorder such as autism and hence is misunderstood and abused by most NPs.
Point 1 - Why Autistic Individuals Fight
Our first point is about why SPs
fight. A lot of the fights and resistance you experience with your child have
to do with fear and confusion. He's afraid to do something because it hurts or
is unpleasant, but you push him. He resists, and you push him some more. He is
angry and confused that disregard his feelings and that your response to him is
inappropriate. For example, he is expressing terror, but you laugh and say
there is nothing to be afraid of; the fear will just go away. He doesn't
understand why you want to hurt him, but he decides that you are simply rigid
and unreasonable. However, in your mind, he is rigid and unreasonable, and you
punish him for it. He tries to reason with you, but you won't listen to him.
Finally, when he realizes that words or
reasoning won't work, he resorts to nonverbal messages. You force him to go to a
store where there are too many things to look at that hurt his eyes, and he
expresses his anger by knocking cans off a shelf. You punish him for his
misbehavior, not picking up that he has just given you a nonverbal message
because his verbal protest didn't work. All day long, in fact, his
noncompliance is sending you nonverbal messages that you don't perceive. Yet
when you go to the latest therapist, she tells you that it is your child who
has the nonverbal learning disability.
For example, I hate having my hair cut.
The feeling of the barber's sadistic comb grabbing my hair and pulling on it is
like nails scraping on my scalp and ripping the individual hairs from their
bloody roots. The razor and scissors are torture machines, and my hair hurts as
it is being cut. I feel as if I am about to be executed every time I walk into
the place.
We're going to do our first skit now about
what often happens when you go to get your autistic child a haircut.
Beginning of skit.
“Characters” – Mother, John (Mother’s
son), Russian barber, Customer.
Mom: You're going to get your haircut, and
that's that. It's been four months, and you look like the Jungle Boy.
John: It hurts to have my haircut!!
Mom: No, it doesn't. Hair doesn't hurt.
John: Mine does.
John sits down in the barber chair and
starts crying. As soon as the barber makes the first cut, John starts
squirming.
Barber: NO MOVE!
John: But it hurts!
Barber: NO MOVE! I CUT YOU IF YOU MOVE.
HAIR NO HURT!
John: MINE HURTS!
Customer: Hair doesn't hurt, young man.
Mother: You see, John, his hair doesn't
hurt when it's cut. If it hurt, he'd be screaming, too.
John: You mean it doesn't hurt him? It
really doesn't hurt?
Customer: No.
John: Gee, I didn't know that. I thought
everybody's hair hurt.
Mother: Of course not. That proves you're
inventing the whole thing. So be quiet, and don't make a fuss.
John realizes that it is impossible to
reason with these rigid people so he keeps quiet. However, the pain becomes
unbearable, so he rips the smock off his neck and throws it at the barber. It
is his nonverbal message that he wants the haircut to end.
Barber: WHY YOU DO DAT?? IN
Mother: I don't know what to do with him.
He's so unreasonable. His behavior makes no sense sometimes.
John (thinking): Why is she so dense? Why
can't she understand the meaning of what I just did? I have to try again.
John jumps up from the chair and runs out
the door.
Mother: Stop it right now! That boy is
impossible. How do I get through to him?
Barber: HE BAD BOY. IN
Customer: He's spoiled, ma'am. He's trying
to manipulate you.
John runs to the grocery store.
John: Mom is just impossible! Words don't
work. Nonverbal messages don't work. How do I get through to her? I guess it's
hopeless. She'll never learn.
The mom finds John in the store.
Mother: Why did you run away?
John: I hate haircuts! They hurt!
Mother: Didn't you just hear that man say
they don't hurt?
John: THEY HURT!
The mom grabs John's hand and takes him
home. She wonders why he never listens to her. John lets his body go limp in
passive resistance. All the way home, he wonders why she never listens to him.
End of skit.
The next time you have a fight with your
child, try to analyze what he is communicating to you, both with his words and
his behavior. Chances are you are missing the nonverbal message, which is what
you accuse him of doing.
Another thing about fighting that drives SPs
crazy is when you change your mind in the middle of an argument. This is very,
very confusing to an SP.
First, you insist that he does something that's scary or annoying to him, and
he screams and resists. But eventually he realizes it is hopeless and he agrees
to do it. However, you don't give him a chance to calm down and deal with his
fear. Instead, you wait until he takes a breath, then you blast him back and
say, "Okay! That's enough! Forget it. I'll do it myself." You don't
him a chance to accept the idea before you're changing the whole situation on
him.
To show you what I mean, we'll act out a
typical fight.
Beginning of skit.
“Characters” – Lauren,
James, Mom, mother of Lauren and James.
One day, James is watching TV, Lauren is
playing on the computer, and Mom is working.
Lauren [whining]: James, I need help. I
can't finish this puzzle.
James doesn't want to help because he's
afraid to miss his show.
James [thinking]: Why is she playing the
game if she can't play it by herself?
Lauren: Get in here, James!
Mom: You need to help her, James.
James: I DON'T WANT TO HELP HER! I'M
WATCHING MY SHOW AND I DON'T WANT TO MISS IT!
James is terrified that if he misses a
part, he won't understand the story.
Mom: You have to help her, James. You'll
just have to miss your show. If you don't help her, I'm turning off the TV.
James is in a rage.
James: WHOSE BOSS
ARE YOU! YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I DON'T WANT TO HELP MY SISTER! I AM
WATCHING MY SHOW AND THAT'S THAT!
Lauren: James, I really need your help. I'm
going to lose the game.
Mom: YOU HELP HER OR ELSE!
James: I AM NOT HELPING HER! IF SHE NEEDS
HELP, WHY IS SHE PLAYING THAT STUPID GAME!
Mom: JAMES MATTHEW WILLIAMS, I'M TURNING
OFF THE TV. YOU WILL HAVE TO MISS YOUR SHOW ANYWAY BECAUSE YOU YELLED AT ME.
NOW GO HELP LAUREN.
Mom turns off the TV. James plays frozen.
Mom: You help Lauren this minute.
James:
Lauren: No. I don't want your help, James.
You're a creep. Mom, I want you to help me.
Mom: Okay, Lauren. Since James won't
cooperate, I'll help you.
James: I SAID I WOULD HELP YOU!
Mom: She doesn't want your help. Let me
help her. You are so selfish, James. You don't care about our feelings when you
yell at us.
James: LET ME HELP LAUREN! YOU SAID I
COULD HELP HER!
Mom: Be quiet. Let me help her. Lauren
doesn't want your help anymore.
James [thinking]: Why did Lauren ask me to
help her if she really wanted Mom? They are just too weird to figure out.
You may think that the mom is making sense
in the skit, but to the SP,
she is being hopelessly inconsistent. Why did she make the SP suffer and yell if
she was only going to change her mind? Why did she ask him to help his sister
if she didn't mean it?
Point 2 – Teachers in School
Our next topic is school and teachers.
School is the place where an autistic person suffers from the most misery of
his life. No matter how many meetings you have with the teacher, no matter how
much special education experience the teacher has, chances are she doesn't know
the first thing about an autistic person, at least one who talks and does well
on spelling tests. In fact, when she sees that the autistic person is doing
well on tests and assignments, she may decide that the label of autistic was
invented by the student's crazy mother, and it is the teacher's duty to disobey
everything the mother says in order to save the student.
We’re now going to do a skit involving a
similar scenario.
Beginning of skit.
Characters: Mom, James (Mom’s son),
Mom and
Mom: Now remember,
An hour later, during music class . . .
Mr. Back: James and Brian, you have my
permission to leave class.
James: I'm not going!
Mr. Back: Now James, I know this is a
change for you, and you don't like changes in your structure.
James [angrily]: That's not it! I don't
like--
Brian: Yeah, let's go and get this over
with. What a weirdo.
In the classroom--
James: I won't have my picture taken!
James: THAT'S NOT IT!! I DON'T LIKE IT
WHEN--
Brian [interrupting]: Can we get this
thing over with?
James bursts into tears, but
Mom: What's wrong?
James:
Mom: What?
Mom [thinking]: This has nothing to do
with schedules and structure. [To
Mom: But that wasn't the problem. It was
his eyes. He doesn't like--
Mom [sarcastically]: I couldn't agree
more.
End of skit.
As you can see from the skit, the teacher
misunderstood the SP's
real feelings, but used information that she'd learned from books to come to
the wrong conclusion. Like most teachers, she thought the mom's advice was dumb
because moms are stupid and don't have special education experience, so the
teacher felt she should disobey the mom as soon as possible. Then when the
student reacted in a logical way to avoid hurting his eyes and became upset,
the teacher didn't understand what he was really feeling. This made the student
very angry, and little by little, these kinds of misunderstandings can lead to
a huge amount of rage against the teacher and eventually about school itself.
Point 3 – Unsupervised Groups In School
Our third point is about small,
unsupervised groups in school. Any autistic person who goes to school will tell
you that working in a small group of kids without an adult present can be the
worst disaster of all. The kids take it as their golden opportunity to tease
and dehumanize the autistic child, but of course, when the SP tries to complain,
all the kids deny they did anything wrong, and the teacher always sides with
the normal kids.
We will now perform another skit which
shows you what happens in an unsupervised group.
Beginning of skit.
“Characters” – John,
Sally, Truman, May, Violet, Mr.
John, the autistic child, is assigned to
work with May, Violet, Truman, and Sally by Mr. Belvidere. Their assignment is
to write a play about an event in World War II. John knows that they're all
bullies.
Sally: Okay, so now our assignment is to
write a play about an event in World War II. I think we should do the Battle of
El-Qatar.
Truman: I think we should do
Sally: OK, Truman. Now, let's take a vote.
Which people vote for El-Qatar?
Violet: I vote for El-Qatar.
May: So do I.
Sally: I vote for it too. So three people vote for El-Qatar. Which people vote for
Truman: I do.
John: So do I.
Truman sees that he's on John the SP's side, so he
quickly changes his mind.
Truman: You know, Sally, I think you're
right. El-Qatar is better.
Sally: Okay, since the majority won, we're
gonna do the Battle of El-Qatar.
John: Sally, can't we do something more
important? The Bombing of Pearl Harbor is important because it is the event
that got the
Truman: Remember, in all groups, majority
rules! And the majority says the Battle of El-Qatar.
John: But it was your idea to do the
bombing of
Sally: John, your underwear's on
backwards.
May: John, your shirt's on backwards.
Violet: John, your head's on backwards.
John: They're not on backwards! And how
can you see my underwear anyway?
Sally: I'm psychic. I can see right
through your clothes. And besides, you have a hole in the back of your shirt,
so you can't participate today.
Because John is an SP and can't always
tell whether something is true or not, he gets scared that Sally can see his
private parts. So he is now under a huge amount of stress.
John: Yesterday you said I couldn't
participate because I was wearing red.
Sally: The rules changed. Today it's holes
in your shirt.
John [relieved]: Wait, Mr. Belvidere is
coming!
Mr. Belvidere: So you've decided what
you're going to do, right?
Sally: Yes. We're doing the Battle of El-Qatar.
Mr. Belvidere: Okay. Now start writing
your script.
Violet: Yes, Mr.
Mr. Belvidere: And is John being allowed
to participate?
Sally: Yes, Mr.
Mr. Belvidere: John, are they letting you
participate?
John panics. If he tells the truth, the
kids will tease him when they line up for music.
John: Yes, Mr.
Mr. Belvidere: Okay. Now start working.
Remember, John, don't let them do all the work and ignore them. Give some input
too.
He leaves.
May: We should start the script like this.
"You Germans are so mean that we will beat
you!"
Violet: Then I could go like this.
"You're the ones that are mean,
Truman: Then I'll bang on the wall to make
it sound like gunshots.
John: Then I could be the German soldier
that tries to go against
Everyone looks at him like he's crazy.
Sally: John, that's stupid. We don't have
enough people to put in a dopey part like that.
John: It isn't dopey. Well, maybe I could
be a German soldier that says, "Have mercy on us! Please let us
surrender!" After all, a lot of the Germans didn't agree with Hitler but
were afraid to stand up against him. My soldier thinks for himself.
May: That's awful, John. I hate that line.
You should say, "I'm weird and a traitor, and I deserve to die." Then
I'll kill you, and you fall down and stay dead the rest of the performance.
Sally: Yeah. Then we can do the play by
ourselves without you.
Violet: That's a good idea.
Sally: Let's start where the Americans see
the German soldiers coming.
May: All right.
Then Truman can bang on the wall to sound like gunshots.
John: Then maybe I could be a German
soldier who says, "We're only following orders!"
Sally: John, stop it. That's a bad idea.
We'll decide for you, because you're obviously too stupid to decide for
yourself. I have an idea. You can be the first German soldier to die from a
gunshot. You die before you say anything. And remember, you're socks are on
backwards.
Truman and Violet: Yes,
and your underwear is on backwards!
John: IT IS NOT! STOP IT ABOUT MY CLOTHES!
You aren't letting me participate. You lied to Mr. Belvidere, and he's coming
now!
Mr. Belvidere: You're doing the Battle of
El-Qatar, right?
May: Yes.
John:
They aren't letting me participate!
Mr.
Belvidere: Is that true, Violet?
Violet:
Oh, no. We're just working on the dialogue for the script. We're letting John
write his own lines.
Mr.
Belvidere: Okay. You see, John? They're letting you participate. It was just
your misperception.
Narrator:
He leaves.
John:
Okay, you said so yourself. I get to write my own lines.
Violet:
No you don't. You get killed at the beginning of the play, and you don't have
any lines.
John:
You can't tell me what to do!
Sally
and May: Oh, yes, we can, since we're smarter than you.
Truman:
Why don't you be the first American to get killed in the battle.
I'll bang on the wall to make it sound like gunshots, and you fall over.
John:
I thought I was going to be a German.
Sally,
Violet, May, and Truman: We changed our minds! And majority rules!
John:
But you still aren't letting me participate. You're lying to Mr. Belvidere...
Sally: No, we're not. It's just your misperception.
End of skit.
As you can see from the skit, there is no
way an SP can win
against a gang of bullies in an unsupervised situation. There is no way he can
learn anything, and everyone is punished because they can't learn anything
either. Often the SP
is the only one who really wants to learn something, though he is accused of
wrecking the group for the others. When he tries to participate and get his
ideas across, the kids reject everything he says. This makes him angry and in a
rage all the time, so that he withdraws from other kids as much as he can. He
is accused of not interacting appropriately with his peers, although it is his
peers who do not interact appropriately with him.
Point 4 – Consistency and Context
The fourth topic we want to discuss is
consistency and context. Perhaps this is an area where you and your child have
a lot of fights and misunderstandings. Perhaps this is where your child has the
most trouble with social interactions. As your SP struggles to make
sense of your world, he will search for consistent patterns--it was appropriate
to do something a certain way yesterday, and therefore, he assumes that it will
also be appropriate today. But as you all know, the way he was expected to
behave yesterday had a different context. It might not be appropriate today.
This is very, very confusing to an autistic person, who has a hard enough time
understanding behavior, but the context of the behavior is almost impossible
for him to figure out.
We’re now going to perform a skit in which
instructions for one rule are followed for another rule and causes problems.
Beginning of skit.
Mom: I'm going to the store. Don't answer
the phone when I'm not here.
James: OK. [Thinking:] She said not to
answer the phone if she's not here.
The mom goes to the store, then returns.
Mom: I'm home. I need to take a shower
before I go to my business meeting.
The mom leaves the room. While she is
showering, the phone rings.
James [thinking]: She said not to answer
the phone if she's not here. She's not in the room. That means she's not here.
Phone message: Joan, are you there? It's
urgent. Will you please pick up the phone? If you're there, please answer.
James [thinking]: She's not here.
Otherwise, she'd be picking up the phone. I'm following her orders.
Phone message: This is an emergency. I
need to talk to you right away, but I'm at a pay phone and you can't call me
back. This is going to mess everything up.
James [thinking]: I have to follow orders.
I can't pick up the phone.
A few minutes later, the mom comes into
the room and notices the message light blinking.
Mom: What's this?
James [proudly]: You had a phone call, but
I didn't answer it.
Mom [blowing up]: WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER
THE PHONE! I WAS EXPECTING AN IMPORTANT CALL.
She listens to the message.
Phone message: "Joan, are you there?
It's urgent . . ."
Mom [having a meltdown]: WHY DIDN'T YOU
ANSWER THE PHONE?
James: You told me not to answer the phone
when you're not here.
Mom: But I was here! How could you have
been so stupid??
James: I was just doing what you said. Why
are you yelling? I didn't answer the phone because you told me not to when
you're not HERE. You're not being consistent.
Mom: But that was DIFFERENT!! You weren't
supposed to answer the phone when I was not here, meaning away from the house, not "not here," meaning in the other room. The
context is completely different.
James: It's your fault. You didn't tell me
the difference.
Mom: Do I have to tell you everything?
James: Yes.
End of skit.
If you want to teach your child how to
behave in different contexts, you have to explain everything you do, think up
every possible misunderstanding and explain it to him in advance. He's eager to
learn--despite the fact that he always seems to be screwing up.
And also, because he is always trying to
follow your orders, he may lack experience in using his own common sense.
Autistic kids are always accused of lacking common sense, and so their parents
hesitate to give them the opportunity to make their own decisions. This is one
of those vicious circles--you insist that he follow your orders because he
lacks common sense, then he is never able to develop common sense. When faced
with a situation that requires a decision, he will simply follow the last rule
you gave him, rather than reasoning it out for himself. But how many times has he
done what he thought was right, only to have you yell at him and scream,
"How could you have been so stupid??"
Point 5 – Cooperation and Reciprocity
Next we'd like to discuss one of the
hardest things of all for an SP to understand. And that is cooperation and reciprocity.
An SP we know once
defined cooperation as "doing something that you don't want to do for
someone else so that person will do something that he doesn't want to do for
you."
When my mom first heard that, she was
surprised that someone would have such a negative feeling about helping and
sharing, but I didn't see what was wrong with it. I've always resented having
to do things for people since they are usually rude and mean to me. That's also
why the concept of reciprocity is so difficult for me, too. It's not that I
don't want to share or listen to someone else or make someone feel good by
being nice and polite to him. I know about all those things. It's just that
people are impatient and intolerant and impolite to me all the time, and they
force me to do things that I'm not interested in just to fit in, but when it's
my turn to talk about things like road maps and train schedules, I'm told that
I'm boring them and that it's inappropriate and that I don't know how to
interact with my peers. No one seems to make the effort to learn to interact
with me, but I'm always expected to make the effort to interact with them.
Therefore, one of the nicest gifts you can
give an SP is no
gift at all. You never pick the right thing, then when
he's honest about his feelings and says he doesn't like it, you yell at him for
being inappropriate, even though you always tell him he should express his
feelings. Then he's forced to write a thank-you note for something he didn't
want, and what's worse, now he's obligated to give you something in return.
We’re now going to do our final skit, and
thus, it is one of the longest in this entire speech. It’s about social skills
in our society, and how, if viewed in a certain light, are shown to be
hypocritical.
Beginning of skit.
Father: I'm taking Lauren and her friend
to the new mall. It's time to go, James. We'll leave the mall by four so you
won't miss your TV program.
James is busily studying his maps and
doesn't want to be disturbed. However, he forces himself to change his focus so
he can fit in. He studies how to get to the new mall then prints out a map.
James: I printed out a map to get to the
mall.
He hands it to his dad, and James is proud
that he can contribute to the situation.
Lauren: Oh no, there he goes again. That's
my weird brother.
Father: Thanks, James. Now get in the car.
The dad leaves the map on the table,
forgotten. This hurts James's feelings, but no one notices. At the mall, they
go to a movie, where the father buy treats that James
is allergic to. Then they stop at a Barbie doll store, where James is bored to
death. Finally it's four o'clock--time to go home.
James: It's time to go home!
Jacqueline [the friend]: I don't want to
go home! Can't we go to the arcade store?
James: It's time to go home. We were
supposed to leave at four.
Lauren: There he goes again. Obsessed with time.
Father: James, you have to be more
cooperative. You'll just have to miss your show.
James: But YOU said--
Father: We do tons of things for you. The
whole house revolves around you. You think the sun rises and sets around you.
Think of someone else for a change.
James: But I'm hungry. I didn't get to eat
any of the stuff you bought in the movie because it had wheat in it.
Lauren: There he goes again.
Father: Now you know, James, you don't
really have a wheat allergy. You mother made that all up just to bother you.
Why don't you eat one of these nice cookies?
James: No! I'll get a headache.
Jacqueline: Can we go, please? I really
want to see the arcade store.
Father: We'll go in a minute. I'm just
teaching James a lesson in cooperation.
Jacqueline tries to be nice.
Jacqueline: Do you like Britney Spears,
James?
James is tired and hungry and not in the
mood to be nice.
James: No!
Jacqueline [stepping back]: Gee, I was
just trying to be nice. [To Lauren]: Your brother really IS weird.
Lauren: I know. He's an SP.
Jacqueline: What's that?
Lauren: It's when you're weird.
Father: Come on, girls.
They walk past a map store that says MAP
SALE.
James: Hey, look at that! I need a new map
of
Lauren: Oh no, not this again.
James: I'll just take a minute.
Father [sternly]: No, you can't go in. Why
are you always so greedy and selfish? We have a guest, and what she wants comes
first.
Jacqueline: Yeah, what I want comes
first.
Lauren: Yeah, what she wants comes
first.
James [thinking]: Why are they entitled to
be selfish and rude and think only of themselves, but I'm not? The world is
just too weird to figure out.
Later they go to the mini-playground in
the mall. James is still hungry because his father refused to find him a
wheat-free treat.
Lauren: Want to play with us? We need a
bad guy.
James: No.
Jacqueline: Come on. We need another
person.
Father [lecturing James]: How are you
going to learn to interact with other kids if you don't play with them?
James: I don't want to play with them. I'm
hungry, and I want to go home.
Father: You HAVE to play with them.
James: Okay. THEN can we go?
James goes up to Lauren and says . . .
James: I'm the evil monster, and I'm so
hungry, I'm going to eat you on the spot.
Lauren: That's dumb.
Jacqueline: Yeah, that's dumb. Say
something else.
James: That's how I want to play it.
Lauren: James, you're always so selfish.
Can't you think of anybody but yourself?
Father: James, play nicely.
James [angrily]: BUT I'M THE MONSTER! HOW
CAN I BE NICE?
Other people stare at him.
Father: Oh, no. Now you're making a scene.
It's hopeless. Why can't you learn to fit in?
James: I want to go home!
Father: Okay, girls. We have to take the
prince home.
Lauren: You spoiled my playdate!
I had no fun! You're a creep.
James: But I didn't get to do anything
that I wanted to do.
Lauren: What you want to do is always
weird.
Father: Stop being selfish, James.
End of skit.
Imagine living like that day after day,
where you are constantly accused of being weird and selfish when you ask to do
something you want, whereas everyone else seems selfish to the core but no once
reprimands them. When I was younger, I used to think that the world was inhabited
by witches and demons and monsters, and I certainly didn't think the world
revolved around me. I felt as if nothing ever went my way. Everyone else's
needs were attended to, but mine were seen as inappropriate and strange, and
nothing I did seemed to be right. It was the worst when I was in school being
accused of all kinds of things I didn't even know happened. How was I supposed
to learn how to cooperate with a world that refused to cooperate with me? How
was I supposed to engage in social and reciprocal interactions with a world
that always accused me of being selfish?
As I grew older, I met a few nice kids who
did treat me with respect. Then I was able to treat them with respect, and we
became friends. But if you want to teach your child cooperation
and reciprocal behavior, pay attention to how you treat him. See how
many times you criticize him just for being himself. I
think you'll be surprised that you are a large part of his problem.
Conclusion
In summing up, I hope you have a better
idea of our world, and how we struggle to understand your world. In all of our
skits, which were based on real events, the SP was trying to do
his best, he was trying to behave, and he was trying to do the right thing. In
every case, his language or perceptual problems caused him to do the wrong
thing. The next time that happens to your child, try to analyze why he did what
he did. Ask him his reasons. Chances are his behavior was based on
misunderstanding you, not a conscious effort to defy you. Ask your child's
teacher to do the same thing rather than just punishing him for misbehavior.
Think of your child as a modern-day Pinocchio, who doesn't have enough life experience
to do the right thing. But believe me when I say that he's really trying to
please you.